This is a short blog. A blogette. It is prompted by National Poetry Day and by a posting on Facebook by a friend regarding an health issue .
Thursday, 2nd Oct, I am told by Radio 4, is National Poetry Day.
Thursday, 2nd Oct, I am told by Radio 4, is National Poetry Day.
Those of you who could be arsed to read the last posting will recall mention was made of Great Linford and the mooring where my last pig, Twirly of Blessed Memory, met his end; swept off the roof by a branch.
I publish below the touching Elegy that I wrote at the time
"RIP
Twirly the Pig
Sad to report poor Twirly is dead
At rest forever on a canal bed.
And there for now poor Twirly must lie
Proof pigs can’t swim nor can they fly.
Knocked off in his prime and God-forsaken
For carp and minnow-Grand Union bacon
The canal bottom is now his pillow
Despatched down there by a ****ing willow"
And here is my effort for today which I texted to all my friends. Both of them like it.
I woke this morning in a good mood. Despite a pain in my hip, which is unusual,** I am happy. The Mighty Fulham won 4-0 last night and are off the bottom of the table. The sun doth shine and for the 2nd of October it is pleasantly warm. As usual the list of jobs I prepared yesterday remains largely unfinished and the forecast tells me I should think "heating" by the weekend so the list can wait.
My wood shed is full and I have six bags of coal. Jules' Fuels will top up my diesel for the central heating by mid October. So today I gave the multi fuel stove a treat and moved some of the coal and wood closer to the boat. Over the next week I shall fit my cratch cover (that'a the bit that goes over the front well). I didn't bother last Winter cos it's a bit of a faff and regretted my idleness. Not only is it additional insulation but it's also somewhere dry to store fuel.
** The pain in my hip is unusual, not the hip, as I don't normally have a pain there. It just gives further credence to my long held theory of the fish which is now, more or less, universally accepted throughout the medical profession. Well, those with receptive minds anyway.
The Fish Theory is explained in greater detail at the end of this post.
I digress. Where was I?
Ah yes.
The imminent onset of wet weather only emphasises what a wonderful Summer we've had.
We've had some cracking sunsets here at Cowroast. I don't seem to get up in time for a sunrise though as the days get shorter the sunrise will soon be the same time as I haul my fish-ridden form from the pit.
Not this morning (Fri 3rd) though.
Today's list.
1 re-attach hosepipe to water tap-done
2 take rusty useless bike to tip-nearly done
3 get car cleaned as it still bears the dust from a sandstorm in Coventry-done
4 post Ollie's birthday card (for 6th)-which should also be a getweller as he had knee surgery yesterday in Bristol. Which was handy (or should that be kneedy?) as that was where he was and they did it while he waited. All the best Ollie.-done
5 attempt to start generator which messed me about on holiday.=Failed
6 clean cratch cover= Nearly
7 Tell the world about the Fish Theory
A friend from Norfolk on Facebook writes
"Well I say hip pain....the GP says trochanteric bursitis and here's some painkillers. I say ....and there's also the foot....he says I'll inject it now.....I squeal and nearly pass out.....he says goodbye. The caring side of the NHS all in 6 minutes"
This is a classic example of why people need to be aware or the Fish Theory. Had this major advance in medical thinking reached Norfolk then the quack would not have bothered with injections in the foot. If they had waited a day the pain would have been somewhere else
Read and Learn
The Fish Theory
1/We all have at least on fish in our body
2/It is obviously very small
3/But it is too big to swim in the veins of young people because they have very small veins
4/As people get older their veins get bigger allowing the fish to move about
5/ This is why as you get older you get more pains and when you are young you don't get much pain until your veins get bigger. These are called growing pains.
6/ If, say, you eat too much vein blocking food (called yummy) then the fish gets frustrated and angry cos it can't move about and gets trapped like a goldfish in a bowl. Thus angered it bangs off the stomach walls. This is called Irritable Bowl Syndrome.
7/ And sometimes the fish gets caught in one bit elsewhere in the system and totally buggers that bit up. This is called "dead"
8/But for most of your adult (i.e. over 50) life the fish is free to move about and wherever it settles down for the night that is the bit that hurts.
9/ That is why when you wake up in the morning it's a different bit that hurts than the bit that hurt yesterday
10/ If you keep yourself fit then that allows the fish to lay eggs and so that is why fit people get more pain later on cos they have more fish.
11/ People that don't keep fit only have one angry frustrated and trapped fish (see 6 and 7 above ).
12/There are obviously some pains that are not due to fish such as having babies, breaking an arm and rubbing your eye after chopping chillis. What a rotten day that was.
13/ All major religions believe when you die that your sole goes to heaven where, if you believe in Cod, he has reserved a plaice for you.
14 Except for those who believe when you die you are reincarnated as a shellfish. These are Prawn Again Christians.
Now 1 to 14 above might, I hope, seem the ramblings of a drink addled mind but before dismissing them out of hand consider the following scientifically proven facts.
The body comprises 65% water so is the perfect environment for......fish.
The brain is composed of 70 per cent water (leaving 30% for whisky), and the lungs are nearly 90 per cent water. About 83 per cent of our blood is water, which helps digest our food, transport waste AND FISH, and control body temperature.
The Anglo Saxon word for pain was haedorch from which we derived the word headache. According to Prof Helmut Krasch, Lecturer in Linguistics, University of Crawley nr Gatwick "Haedorch" was also the Viking word for haddock.
Have you ever woken up with a stiff neck (unless caused by not swallowing your Viagra pill quickly enough) only to find that by lunchtime it's your coccyx that hurts.It's probably the fish moving unless your braces are a bit taut.
Have you ever wondered why as you get older you do something energetic like dig the garden, go for a long walk or do without the tv remote for an evening the stiffness that you know will ensue doesn't arrive for 48 hours? This is because the fish, like you (and I'm sure they do) are getting older and can't get to the acheybits as quickly as they once did.
The Fish Theory has been mocked by some but most of the medical experts I've met have given it their blessing, nodding sagely, looking qizzically at one another and saying "Yes Michael" . Very reassuring. Although yet to be approved by NICE I hope that you all feel wiser for learning about the Fish Theory. Mind you why the medical grandees need the approval of a biscuit I do not know.
Some doctors will tell you to ignore the above yet at the same time urge you to eat more fish high in Omega Oil. This will only make your watch run smoothly.
I should have been a doctor but unfortunately I can't stand the sight of blood, especially mine, and I hate sick people so that profession was closed to me.
Anyway I've got one of my haddocks coming on and must lie down for a while.
Bye bye.
 |
(An elegy is a poem, song, or other work of art composed as a lament for someone who has died. A eulogyis a speech or written tribute praising someone who had died, especially one composed for that person’s funeral. Unlike elegy, which is often used figuratively or to describe a work of art with a mournful tone (and it gives rise to the adjective elegiac, meaning mournful), eulogy is almost always used literally.)
And here is my effort for today which I texted to all my friends. Both of them like it.
"I've been moving coal this morning
And sorting logs for Winter
I should have put my gloves on
Cos now I've got a splinter.
I've got it in my index
A bad finger to have chose
Cos now I'm ruined for the day
And cannot pick my nose"
Enough poetry for now.
My wood shed is full and I have six bags of coal. Jules' Fuels will top up my diesel for the central heating by mid October. So today I gave the multi fuel stove a treat and moved some of the coal and wood closer to the boat. Over the next week I shall fit my cratch cover (that'a the bit that goes over the front well). I didn't bother last Winter cos it's a bit of a faff and regretted my idleness. Not only is it additional insulation but it's also somewhere dry to store fuel.
** The pain in my hip is unusual, not the hip, as I don't normally have a pain there. It just gives further credence to my long held theory of the fish which is now, more or less, universally accepted throughout the medical profession. Well, those with receptive minds anyway.
The Fish Theory is explained in greater detail at the end of this post.
Ah yes.
The imminent onset of wet weather only emphasises what a wonderful Summer we've had.
Not this morning (Fri 3rd) though.
Today's list.
1 re-attach hosepipe to water tap-done
2 take rusty useless bike to tip-nearly done
3 get car cleaned as it still bears the dust from a sandstorm in Coventry-done
4 post Ollie's birthday card (for 6th)-which should also be a getweller as he had knee surgery yesterday in Bristol. Which was handy (or should that be kneedy?) as that was where he was and they did it while he waited. All the best Ollie.-done
5 attempt to start generator which messed me about on holiday.=Failed
6 clean cratch cover= Nearly
7 Tell the world about the Fish Theory
A friend from Norfolk on Facebook writes
"Well I say hip pain....the GP says trochanteric bursitis and here's some painkillers. I say ....and there's also the foot....he says I'll inject it now.....I squeal and nearly pass out.....he says goodbye. The caring side of the NHS all in 6 minutes"
This is a classic example of why people need to be aware or the Fish Theory. Had this major advance in medical thinking reached Norfolk then the quack would not have bothered with injections in the foot. If they had waited a day the pain would have been somewhere else
Read and Learn
The Fish Theory
1/We all have at least on fish in our body
2/It is obviously very small
3/But it is too big to swim in the veins of young people because they have very small veins
4/As people get older their veins get bigger allowing the fish to move about
5/ This is why as you get older you get more pains and when you are young you don't get much pain until your veins get bigger. These are called growing pains.
6/ If, say, you eat too much vein blocking food (called yummy) then the fish gets frustrated and angry cos it can't move about and gets trapped like a goldfish in a bowl. Thus angered it bangs off the stomach walls. This is called Irritable Bowl Syndrome.
7/ And sometimes the fish gets caught in one bit elsewhere in the system and totally buggers that bit up. This is called "dead"
8/But for most of your adult (i.e. over 50) life the fish is free to move about and wherever it settles down for the night that is the bit that hurts.
9/ That is why when you wake up in the morning it's a different bit that hurts than the bit that hurt yesterday
10/ If you keep yourself fit then that allows the fish to lay eggs and so that is why fit people get more pain later on cos they have more fish.
11/ People that don't keep fit only have one angry frustrated and trapped fish (see 6 and 7 above ).
12/There are obviously some pains that are not due to fish such as having babies, breaking an arm and rubbing your eye after chopping chillis. What a rotten day that was.
13/ All major religions believe when you die that your sole goes to heaven where, if you believe in Cod, he has reserved a plaice for you.
14 Except for those who believe when you die you are reincarnated as a shellfish. These are Prawn Again Christians.
Now 1 to 14 above might, I hope, seem the ramblings of a drink addled mind but before dismissing them out of hand consider the following scientifically proven facts.
The body comprises 65% water so is the perfect environment for......fish.
The brain is composed of 70 per cent water (leaving 30% for whisky), and the lungs are nearly 90 per cent water. About 83 per cent of our blood is water, which helps digest our food, transport waste AND FISH, and control body temperature.
The Anglo Saxon word for pain was haedorch from which we derived the word headache. According to Prof Helmut Krasch, Lecturer in Linguistics, University of Crawley nr Gatwick "Haedorch" was also the Viking word for haddock.
Have you ever woken up with a stiff neck (unless caused by not swallowing your Viagra pill quickly enough) only to find that by lunchtime it's your coccyx that hurts.It's probably the fish moving unless your braces are a bit taut.
Have you ever wondered why as you get older you do something energetic like dig the garden, go for a long walk or do without the tv remote for an evening the stiffness that you know will ensue doesn't arrive for 48 hours? This is because the fish, like you (and I'm sure they do) are getting older and can't get to the acheybits as quickly as they once did.
The Fish Theory has been mocked by some but most of the medical experts I've met have given it their blessing, nodding sagely, looking qizzically at one another and saying "Yes Michael" . Very reassuring. Although yet to be approved by NICE I hope that you all feel wiser for learning about the Fish Theory. Mind you why the medical grandees need the approval of a biscuit I do not know.
Some doctors will tell you to ignore the above yet at the same time urge you to eat more fish high in Omega Oil. This will only make your watch run smoothly.
I should have been a doctor but unfortunately I can't stand the sight of blood, especially mine, and I hate sick people so that profession was closed to me.
Anyway I've got one of my haddocks coming on and must lie down for a while.
Bye bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment